On Wednesday, June 25, 2016 had my post-chemo follow up at Tom Baker Cancer Centre. I can’t easily put words to it, but for whatever the reason it was important to me to go alone. I have had loved ones travel this journey with me and support me, but ultimately, when I turned out the light or woke in the middle of the night it was me keeping the dark side at bay and working to connect to love and healing and life. With the prayers of those surrounding me in my journey – some I knew of of and some I didn’t, it was me preventing myself from going down that path of negative thoughts or psychic energy, it was me working ti keep lonliness, depression, resignation and fear at bay, it was me putting myself back to the healing slumber.
Thank you for your prayers! Please never underestimate their power, especially when done “on the sly”. “Squirrel”
For those reasons, I think, I was driven to attend the appointment alone. I will never forget my sister in shock uttering the words “you are not alone” when she attended the meeting with my surgeon to give my diagnosis, nor will I ever forget the words of the oncologist stating “you are done, for sure!”.
My drive from Calgary, lasting an hour and a half-ish, could have been on Flintstone power! I could have run the car on my vibrating energy I am sure. It was a good thing that I was alone in the car as there was a lot of unbridled screaming, some obscene words (forgive me Mommie) like “FUCK YES!!! I did it!!! I am done!!!! I don’t have to be scared anymore!”. I went straight to a friend’s to acknowledge the moment and share in the awareness that I was done, alive, and ready to live.
So maybe cancer has changed my life. Over the last few days I have had a lot of time to myself without a great deal of distraction to think. I have truly been given the gift of a “bonus round” at life at a time when many hit their mid-life crisis. I know that these next 40+ years are not to be taken for granted, lived settled or resigned, but to be lived fearlessly! To fight those niggling doubts that can play havic and uttering the odd battle cry when dealing with my own demons.
Tonight I find myself in front of a fire, sitting not alone but in my own company, listening to the crackle of the fire and the coyotes and the upset donkey, the dogs claiming their territory and the hum of life, and I am grateful. I am grateful for this amazing moon and stars, for family – both “legit” and adopted that I have been priveledged to spend time with today, for my tools that allow me to push myself in strength, compassion and love, and for my life… as it is now and as it will be.
Wishing you strength to conquer your own fears, both large and small, with much love, Glenna.