It is the age old struggle once again – trying to force the brain to overrule the niggling dark side doubts. I am waiting to be taken in for my CT Scan. It is a follow up to one done in April because my doctors are thourough, and although I appreciate that it is hard not to be a little anxious about it.
The areas of mild concern (to be followed up on) could all be explained rationally, but in order to be sure that the reasoning was correct we are doing it again today to be sure there were no changes. And I can reason with the best of them, my positivity my constant lifeline; but it is when people ask me about it or I say where I am or what my plans were for today (and my follow up with oncologist next week) and I am suddenly fighting the tears welling in my eyes I am humbled once again. The niggling fears have a way of cracking my confidence, yet daily I am grateful for my health, my returning strength and, the slowest to return, my gaining stamina and endurance.
And why share this today? Because still after all of the tine spent on this journey I need to remind myself that it is okay to be fully honest and authentic about how I am feeling, to honour those feelings and acknowledge that if I don’t allow the vulnerability I am also not allowing the support (who knows it is needed if I appear to be amazing and handling all with flying colours?).
Wishing you all a day filled with vulnerability, love and support.
With love, Glenna