As I sit with my coffee this morning I am again in awe as I watch the dawn begin to crack the darkness of the sky; the sun highlights her daily miracle with the yellows, salmon and redand I begin to feel the determination and courage rise within my chest again. It is like the building score of a piece of powerful music (one of my faves is Afro Celt Sound System, Release It (Instrumental) http://youtu.be/p2ZUbDHkXNU).
There were definitely some tough days in this last week, the fear of the unknown and the confirmation of a battle plan (chemo) that will require a great deal from my body over the next 18+ weeks. I am grateful for the beautiful Alberta big bright blue skies with her strong sun that can melt icicles at -40, I am REALLY grateful that it hasn’t been -40 but only -2, for laughter with friends and their ability to reconnect me to my core when I felt a little lost.
I became aware over these last few days that I have allowed my self esteem to lesson, and ironically it is not over body image as is so often the case for a woman. It has been over not being 100%. It is feeling like a party pooper if I get tired out, can’t keep up and play with the others, or knowing that I can’t be lifting and moving things for myself just quite yet….though it’s coming. It is a combination of feeling like a lazy person standing around and asking others to take care of everything when I look “normal” with my clothes on and scars can’t be seen. It is beginning to feel stronger and taking care to remind myself not to overdo it.
And so I am grateful that I was given an amazing weekend to play, feel alive and prepare for this next phase. There was fresh air to fill my lungs, the opportunity to be inspired by those surrounding me, shared laughter and projects, the music filling my head, the light awakinging my spirit, and the determination rise within me.
How will you begin to rise up today?