I am reminded of a summer visit to my cousins. They had a horse and if I was lucky I would get to ride it – it was a new experience for me as we didn’t have them on the farm (no matter how many times I begged my Dad). One afternoon my cousins didn’t feel like leading me but convinced me that I would be okay on my own now to ride the horse to the end of the pasture and back again. The riding to the end was just fine, it was the back to the barn that got out of control. The horse began to run as is often the case when they are making their way back to the barn, and being inexperienced I tried to sit down instead of bouncing in time with it. My memory (whether correct or not) has me having rotated the saddle to almost underneath the horse as it returned home ending my ride in fear.
And tonight it has dawned on me – with seeing the end of chemo in only 4 more sleeps I am like the horse returning to the barn. Perhaps a little out of control ready to end this ride. I am restless and chomping at the bit to take back my life and feel “normal”. Friends remind me daily that I still need rest, the effects were cumulative, give myself a break and understand that “normalcy” won’t return overnight. Once that last chemo treatment goes in it still needs time to be channeled back out of my system, my body still needs to heal once that has happened, my immune system needs to recover, and my poor little chemo brain needs time to prove its resilience.
At this point I am not sure if I am ready to charge forward with life or slip into a gentle hiding nook to force myself to rest.
But tonight I want to thank my friends and family for reigning me in, reminding me to be gentle with myself, and keeping me safe despite my efforts to race like the wind! (There will be time for that).