Today I went to my plastic surgeon’s office to get some better answers about scheduling for reconstruction. I have seen him twice since finishing chemotherapy, once the week after to get back onto his radar, at which point he told me to come back once the oncologist released me. At that point he discussed the need for two surgeries, one to clean up the mastectomy and a second one to put the Becker’s expander/implants in.
A month later the oncologist cleared me and I was in the plastic surgeon’s office again the next week at which point in time he indicated that it would likely just be one surgery, that he could do it all at once…but… to come back 6 weeks after the power port (which I still have in place from chemotherapy) was removed. That happens this Friday (9 weeks after finishing chemo). I had asked the plastic surgeon how long it would then take to schedule the surgery after I see him again and was told “oh, a couple of weeks maybe – check with his receptionist”. Today the receptionist told me it would be 2 – 3 months after I am back to see him again (now the second week of September). And so the tears started.
But this has made me truly look at what I have been/am doing and become aware of something. As much as I have thought I have pushed myself to move forward and live my life, Act 2, I have been putting my own life on a big fat waitlist.
- WAIT to go back to work until I feel better
- WAIT to come off of disability until I go back to work
- WAIT to find out when the next surgery will be, and how many, and what is recovery time for that
- WAIT to book a getaway because I don’t know when appointments will be and want to be back in one piece first
- WAIT to spend those dollars because I don’t know what I can afford (ok, that one is quite prudent and logical)
- WAIT to consider dating again because who would want to date a woman in my physical state (a big one to get over admittedly)
- WAIT to purchase new clothes after having my H-cups removed because I don’t know what size I will end up being and it seems a waste of money – but then I don’t have anything that I feel confident in so what message is that sending myself
- WAIT to figure out what I will be able to find for a new roommate
- WAIT for friends to get off of work in order to have somebody to “play” with
- WAIT for friends to call me to go and do something
- WAIT for the right time to find something to volunteer at, new hobby to pick up, social venture to go on
- WAIT for “the sign” that “the time is right”
I am tired of waiting. I understand now that it is making me terribly grumpy, and just how much I have disappointed and hurt myself by waiting. I have always said that actions speak louder than words, so what have my actions been telling me of late? It is tough when I spin that phrase onto myself in such a way.
This is not to say that I haven’t taken time to love myself and push myself to grow, move forward and live life in other ways. I certainly have. But now is the time for me to step up to the plate, stop focusing on “once this is done I can….” and start focusing on the “screw it, I’m going to do it!”.
The plastic surgeon will let me know when he is ready for me, and I will make arrangements at that point in time, but now it is time for me to surrender that frustration and focus on moving my health and my life forward. Why am I letting someone or something else have that much power over moving my life forward? Once again, I am reminded about choice, and it is my choice. Much of this process has reminded me of the play “Waiting for Godot”.
“Waiting for Godot (/ˈɡɒdoʊ/ go-doh) is an absurdist play by Samuel Beckett, in which two characters, Vladimir and Estragon, wait endlessly and in vain for the arrival of someone named Godot.” – Wikipedia
Godot never arrives.
So why am I waiting?
This is my Act 2! I can either choose to take advantage, live it fully and stride forward understanding that I am worth prioritizing the journey or I can choose to wait “until the time is right, the next thing is done, or whatever my excuse” and drift through in a waiting pattern.
And so, thank you again to the Universe for smacking me upside the head with a moment that felt devastating (as superficial as reconstruction may or may not be all things considered) and reminding me to make my choice!
I have spent enough of the past 43 years waiting, I am choosing to live, TODAY!!!
What about you?