Joyful News, Insidious Fears

 

Yesterday my surgeon called to tell me that, though her biopsies from my last surgery were many, the pathology from all came back negative!!! Yes!!! This is one time when I welcome negativity into my life with open arms, cheering and dancing to celebrate its presence. What was once definitely chemo in my future is now a possibility. How fantastic and amazing to have this news delivered to me.  

And then the insidious fears slip in not far behind….are they sure? How can that be? The previous pelvic washings showed malignant cells, how can they just disappear?  The original ovarian cancer they found by the chance that I had decided to have preventative surgery didn’t show up in any prior screenings, how can they check and be sure going forward? This is a fear, insidious in it’s origin, and one that I am sure many other cancer patients have felt….the “what if it is still hiding”?

And this is the power of choice. I choose to believe in the results. I choose to trust my body and it’s ability to heal and, if I listen closely enough, tell me if something is wrong. I choose to trust my gyny oncologist and her expertise, the guidance that will come with that and future decision as to whether or not chemo is recommended. I choose to trust in the loving and protective prayers of those around me. And I choose not to feel guilty (probably the toughest choice), knowing that my battle with cancer may be much more short-lived and far less scary than some other cancer patients out there that received news after their surgery that things were “positive” for them. I choose to send my prayers to give them strength and the knowledge that they are not alone in their battle.

And yes, I most definitely choose to continue to live in joy and celebration for my life, for all of it’s ups and downs, for there are truly blessings in everything. The people that have come into my life this last year in a significant way, the reconnection with family that sometimes only comes when the crunch is on as we get so busy with our day to day lives, the opportunity to learn how best to be there for others when the tables are turned, the gift of journaling, gratitude and self love…..all blessings that have come into my life during a year that, to others looking from the outside in, should have been one of my worst. 

As I look at where I am now I realize that 2015 has in fact been one of my best years….and the exciting part is there are so many more yet to come!

G. 

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