Depending on who you talk to and what their beliefs are, “they” say that before we are born we write our own story. We each define what lessons we want to learn in life, what we want to experience and how we want to live, who our parents will be, etc. and we are then born to our earthly human form to live it.
For the record I am truly not so sure how much of that I believe in – it doesn’t necessarily negate my Catholic upbringing and faith, but still…..
If my life were my written story and choice, would I have really chosen to be twice divorced by the age of 44? To never have been given the gift of (biological) children and had the experience of pregnancy? To have been born to parents whose age I felt were more like grandparents than young and playful parents I observe my friends having had and now being? Why would I have not written into my tapestry the knowledge of a passionate amd lucrative career that I would pursue from the time I was a little girl? Or picked a metabolism that naturally gives me the body of a supermodel? And really, would I have picked out “losing” over a year of my life to cancer?
The thought suddenly just struck me, as I ponder, set intention and pray for the year 2017 with what I would like it to bring, yep, I can see me putting all of that into my life plan.
Not knowing what I wanted to be has given me some incredible experiences that have, not only taught me who I am and the stuff I am made of, but brought amazing people into my life. From performing in theatre studies to a genetics class, from working on a cruiseship to working in a funeral home, an office environment to a gas jockey, they have all given me such unique memories and lessons.
The age of my parents brought me a stability and wisdom. It taught me early to appreciate those in our lives that we love, to prioritize making memories with them while we have them and to be grateful to have them as long as we do.
Twice divorced – ouch! 44 and no “life partner” to build future with. How doesn’t that make me feel like a failure with a few extra heartaches along the way? Because I know that I am not afraid to love, to give it my faith and trust and to try. I have learned from each one and have faith that my choices in a husband/ partner will continue to become stronger, better for me. And with each relationship I continue to learn what is important to me, self love and self worth and at 44 I feel like I am just beginning to find my voice. So many elements are hilighted with each relationship, with each friendship – each perhaps changing me in some ways while strengthening the core of who I am intrinsically.
And though I am still sad over the fact that I never had biological children (or why I would choose that assuming I did so or the reason for it), I have faith that children will still come into my life in significant roles. And I have my nieces and nephews, and the great nieces and nephews and “adopted” ones that bring me joy.
The body I have to work for – here’s a little secret, I enjoy it. It has given me a key to relieving stress in a healthy manner, to finding a way to keep from that “ugh” feeling after overeating, a way to focus on myself and to truly learn to understand my strength; what my body is capable of when given the support it deserves.
And the big one – who in their right mind would choose a cancer diagnosis? Maybe I am not in my right mind, but I can totally see me raising my hand and saying pick me. The Tim McGraw song “Live Like You Were Dying” has played through my head so often this last year (see the link below).
People have commented to me over my diagnosis and journey that I am amazing, I am strong, I have this incredible positive attitude, and some have even said I was their hero – all of this has made me feel so very humble. It has been so easy because I have seen so much love and support surround me – my prayer continues to be that each would truly have the gift of knowing and feeling that love in their own lives, but I just don’t know if that is possible without the dark times when we really need the love and support from others to get through.
From my first memories with my sibblings and friends I felt like I didn’t belong, like others put up with me or would invite me along because they felt sorry for me, but I finally think I am learning the lesson I so desperately need to learn. I am loveable for me – not for who I am related to or my career and who I know or my body or financial status, but for who I am right down to my core… Something that doesn’t change through life’s trials (and jubilations), but just gets stronger!
And so I continue on this journey of life and my path unfolds before me in it’s own unique (and sometimes baffling) way. My body and mind continue to heal, strengthen, and grow and I pray that I will always remember to live like I was dying. May you have the chance to do the same.
With love, Glenna