Feeling Shaky

Tomorrow I have a CT scan. It is a follow up from my last routine 6 month check up at the cancer centre – though I think anyone that has been through “routine ” cancer follow-ups would likely agree that they are anything but routine on our psyche.

I saw the oncologist in January and there have been a few things happening with my body that could be explained away, but because it has been a number of things over just the past couple of months that have changed they want to follow up with a CT scan.

There is a part of me that has explained the symptoms away (skip the rest of this paragraph if you aren’t comfortable with TMI)…. but there has been changes in bowel habits (seems unrelated to anything in particular I eat or drink), some stomach upset and nausea that can be either morning or afternoon, bloating of abdomen (all around weight gain though could explain that), perhaps some discharge or urgent need to pee (maybe a “normal” post-hystorectomy event).

I work hard to comfort myself that it is coincidence and I need only find the new best way to take loving care of my body, but all potential symptoms have been occurring over the last 2 months or so, enough to have my oncologist want to be sure to rule anything further out.

And that is the scary thing of ovarian cancer….so many symptoms can be explained away.

And that is the scary thing of being a survivor…that simple body ailments could be cancer.

I am sure I am not the only former cancer patient that has had to struggle with what is a “legit” concern and what is the fear resurfacing, and it is because of that faith in not being alone in my fear that I felt compelled to share today.

One side of my brain does not anticipate that anything awful will be found with my CT scan tomorrow, but the other side, the side that controls my emotions, has me shaking in fear tonight as I try to ready myself for the scan tomorrow.

Overall I am once again so very grateful for the healthcare I have access to, my FURmily for providing me with joy and love, and you who are reading this to allow me to admit my fears in hopes of letting them go as I prepare to lay my head on my pillow in hopes of a good and restful sleep.

Wishing each of you the gift of a peaceful mind as you lay your head on your pillow tonight.

With much love,

As always,


3 thoughts on “Feeling Shaky

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