I’ve been feeling a little off lately – going from moments of sheer joy to feelings that something is off and fighting tears of emotion, back to joy. Feeling alone to knowing I am surrounded by love. Wondering what the heck is going on with me!?!
But today it dawned on my, it is perhaps the power of the subconscious calendar.
What is that? It is that awareness, deep down, of an anniversary date perhaps, of knowing that something should be happening or celebrated or noted or done. I think sometimes it is triggered by the sound of the spring thaw for me – it was that same soundtrack that was playing when I lost my dad 12 years ago. This month I think it is also being triggered by “good news”.
You see, the last time I went to see my oncologist they said I was doing so well that I should arrange for my next appointment to be in 4 months instead of 3. This is a great thing! I could call to go in earlier if I had cause for concern, but the simple fact that my oncologist is beginning to stretch out my callbacks is just one more indicator that my cancer battle is done, finito, complete! (just to be confirmed again every now and then…so even though it may be complete it is never really out of mind). This is the week that I would have been back, had it been 3 months. The bloodwork would have been last week (and oddly I found myself in almost panicked thought last week thinking I had to get it done), the trip to Calgary this week to once again walk into the Cancer Centre, down to the basement for my follow up to be told all is good and come back again in a few months. Making eye contact with the other patients, each sometimes silently supporting one another, wondering how it is going for each other, sometimes voicing out loud parts of the journey.
It is interesting to me – the reason I made the decision to have my ovaries and fallopian tubes out in the first place was because I no longer wanted to think about it, after all what you think about comes about. Now I don’t know that it will every be completely out of my mind, and even when I think I have cleared it I find it impacting me in subtle but no less unsettling ways. Each day I am grateful for my health and my ability to be able to share and hopefully inspire and support others, and some days I still look to those others for that inspiration and support.
And to those of you that may also be feeling off, without seemingly any reason, perhaps it too is your own subconscious calendar, and maybe the date that is “bothering” you isn’t really a bad thing that something isn’t happening just then, like a recurring oncology appointment or even a wedding anniversary if the marriage wasn’t what was most loving and supportive for you, but maybe it is something to dig up, understand, honour and celebrate as a stepping stone to happiness.
Wishing you each a joyful entry in your calendar, with love, Glenna.