Niggle, Niggle, Go Away

I am up and at ’em. Sipping my coffee, had my time with my journal, Boyz (dogs) on my lap and about to spring up to shower and be ready to be on the highway by 6:30am to head for Tom Baker Cancer Centre and my 2 year follow up today.

I am somewhat excited, to be able to proclaim I am 2 years cancer free seems a delight…so much has happened in those 2 years and time has gone quickly, and yet sometimes it feels very little has changed and I am truly wondering what I am doing with this second chance at life. These follow-up appointments, I have become aware, usually leave me feeling slightly agitated leading up to them, and this one has I think impacted me a little longer because the appointment was pushed out a couple of times by the Cancer Centre. Great news if the oncologist doesn’t want to see you, you would think (especially if you haven’t been through treatment), but that niggling shadow is always there that if it extends the time out further before treatment or a check and something is brew-ha-ha-ing beneath the surface it is also getting that extra time to dig it’s roots in, not dissimilar to quackgrass.

So I have a plan if attack this time. I have invited someone that I have a very special place in my heart for make to make this journey with me today and have been grinning from to ear with warm heart knowing that not only do I have to make this trip alone but I get special time with someone special.

And ti add this a few days ago I decided to focus on the celebration, on pulling my peeps in around me, so to speak, and am planning a backyard pool party (a BYOP party of folks have one – I can sound very grandiose with my pool party but it is a kids pool I use for Conan and cool my feet, but it is all about attitude – still lets me enjoy the day poolside. 😉). But I digress.

So I have my positive attitude with no reason to think anything will happen today other than the oncologist will do their exam, tell me about my bloodwork, ask a couple of questions and send me on my way. But that little niggle. It is a shadow that flirts dangerously with my mind, it beacons to it seductively inviting it down an ugly dark path that says “but what if the news isn’t what you expect, what if it’s back”? And you have invited these people to come and celebrate with you, you arrogant fool!

It’s a niggle that I work hard to push away, the thought that some sinister cancer cells could still lurk deep within waiting to strike again. I think that, perhaps, that is why I didn’t plan anything special for my one year, but that didn’t help either, in fact it just made me feel alone in my celebration. And so today, at the risk of “jinxing it”, I have planned a pool party to celebrate being officially 2 years cancer free. And when the niggle comes up that says “but what if the news isn’t good, what if it is back and you have these people coming to celebrate with you”, well then I will damn well celebrate having been cancer free for 2 years, for being strong and healthy again now, and soak up the love of community around me as an armour of sorts to do battle again!

With love, Glenna

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